Full of emotions

This morning I woke up feeling unsettled, which usually means I dreamed about Grandpa last night. I dream of him often, remembering him at various stages of his life. Sometimes I don't remember the dream, but know I visited with him in my subconscious by the way that I feel in the morning.

My first encounter with him was right after he passed away at the end of April. He came to me angry and unhappy, which was not only unsettling, it was down right upsetting. I wasn't sure if he was mad that he died and that he wasn't able to say good bye, or if it was something else? I still don't know for certain, but eventually the dreams of him became happy again. One day I dreamed he was an image of his young self - a stage of him that I have only admired in pictures, and the stage in his life that I believe he is living in the Spiritual realm. He was gardening and happy. Grandpa never says anything in these dreams, just turns and smiles and continues on with his digging and planting. Looking back on those first initial images of him, I think maybe Grandpa was upset that he had to leave us all behind, but now that he knows we are all ok, he's able to be happy in heaven.

The reality is that we move on with our daily lives, but we never forget him. I think of him everyday at some point in the day. Sometimes it's with a happy memory and other times it's with a deep sense of loss. Today was one of those deep sense of loss feelings. The wave of emotion was almost nauseating as I thought of his last days on earth, his wake and funeral. Fresh tears came to my eyes, knowing it could be decades before I am able to see him again. The memories I have of him will be forever ingrained in my mind. It's like yesterday that I see myself walking with him in his garden, admiring the way he picks a cherry tomato off the vine and eats it. I imagine us walking together along the seashore and collecting seashells as we did when I was a child. Sometimes I worry that I will forget the sound of his voice and his laugh; the way he could cheer me up when I was down. I cherish these memories and hope that they will forever stay fresh in my mind, as if it were yesterday.

This morning after my drive to work, and after my trip down memory lane, I learned that my Grandfather's brother, Sam, passed away after a long battle with cancer. It's comforting to know that they are together again with their parents, sisters and brother who have predeceased them. However, knowing of the loss Uncle Sam's sons and daughter, wife and living brothers and sisters will feel makes the fresh wounds of losing Grandpa all the more real today. My Uncle Sam was a very nice man, and I feel privileged to have known him. I pray that he meets up with Grandpa, Uncle Pat, Aunt Fe, Aunt Betty and Aunt Pauline very soon. May you all rest in peace.

On a happier note, I want to wish my nephew Alex, who is also my Godson, a very happy 12th birthday! I love you kiddo.